BUT...of all our babies, he is the worst sleeper. As in, he refuses to sleep in his crib. He wakes up every two or three hours at night to nurse, and he only naps in 45 minute increments during the day. And I. Am. Tired. He has all the bad sleeping habits that articles and doctors warn you against, and I will readily admit that they are all my fault.
When he was born, I wore him around the house in my front carrier. And this worked for us, because I was eager to get back to a regular homeschool schedule. Almost as soon as he was born, the crazy thing was that the other kids still wanted to eat and be hugged and be wiped and all kinds of other things that require hands. Baby carriers must have been created for such a time as that, when tired mommies need more hands than they have and little babies need more of their mommy than they could otherwise have. It was so perfect. So perfect, in fact, that I never took him out. He ate in there, napped in there, and basically lived his whole life in one of my two carriers (cause a girl needs a change of accessories every once in a while).
Now he's a big baby, and he's heavy, and I want a little space. I want to put him down for naps at 9 and 1 and walk away. I want him to go to bed at 7 pm with a sound machine and a lovie and not get back up till the morning. I know this sounds like a lot to ask, but it's what his sisters and brother did for goodness sake!! I know it sounds like I am abandoning all my attachment parenting sensibilities, and to that I will say, maybe I am. That's ok with me.
The problem is that he is HUNGRY. Like a ravenous hippo, he wants to eat every hour and a half. My pediatrician says this is probably because I am not producing enough milk for him to make it for longer stretches. He cries and roots in the middle of the night, and I am so tired that I act on my kneejerk reaction and just feed him for heaven's sake, so that he won't starve to death before morning. In the middle of the night, because he sleeps in our room, thirty seconds of a baby crying sounds like five straight hours of nails on a chalkboard. And at this point, I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR SLEEP!! Except maybe feed him formula, which is the suggestion for a hungry hippo problem like we have.
In my mind I think, it's only five more months. I can do this. I can wake up every couple of hours to feed him and operate on not much sleep for five more months in order to give him a lifetime of health benefits. I can loaf around in pj's (part of our summer resolution, anyway, right?) drinking coffee for half the day in order to keep this up just a little longer. Or can I? Is it worth missing book club for another month? Is it worth shushing the kids all day because he's sleeping, trying to squeeze another five minutes onto his cat nap? Is it worth five more months of operating in a complete fog, bumbling like an idiot and oversharing with strangers, because I for some reason no sleep means no edit button? Are we thriving?
As of today, I'm not sure. Some moments I think, I'm just going to do it. Today's going to be the day that I get out that can of formula that we got in the mail, put it in a bottle, and finally get some sleep. But the next moment, he roots around to nurse and I realize that this is the most precious gift I can give him. And the relaxin or serotonin or whatever feel-good hormone it is that is produced as a result of this nursing session might just be the only thing keeping me sane in this season of my life. So as of today, I'm still praying. What's a mom to do? Just like with our school decision, I have no idea what will happen next week. But God knows, and I am trusting that he loves me and #5 enough to tell us.